


Decisions Made

by Niknaksstuff



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 04:28:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16737115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niknaksstuff/pseuds/Niknaksstuff
Summary: Sam has an important decision to make and she hopes that a trip to the cabin will help her make her choice.





	Decisions Made

**Author's Note:**

> I’ll be honest, I don’t like reading stories like these so I have no idea why I’ve written one. I have written a similar story for another fandom and I was surprised at how well it was received.  
> I understand if this isn’t to everyone’s liking but I may as well post it.

Sam knew he wouldn’t be there. Couldn’t be there. Yet, it was the only place that she needed to be at this precise moment in space and time. 

It wasn’t like any of the sappy Rom-coms that she sometimes persuaded him to watch. Where the hero would get into their car and drive around aimlessly before finding themselves coincidentally at an emotional and highly significant location. Jack would always laugh and roll his eyes at those particularly unrealistic plot points, she remembered and smiled. In fact, unlike those movies, her actions and eventual destination could not have been more precisely planned or more deliberately executed.

Slowing as the car rattled and rumbled along the dirt track on its approach to the cabin, Sam began to question her decision to come alone. The gripping pain in her chest was crushing the air from her lungs. Daniel had offered to accompany her but she needed to do this by herself and she thought she would be strong enough. Now she had little choice other than to be strong enough. 

A rucksack was her only luggage. She didn’t need a lot. She hauled it out of the trunk and slung it over her shoulder and as she did so, from the corner of her eye she spotted a fleeting image. Curiosity getting the better of her, she made her way down the side of the cabin. Rounding the corner she stopped dead in her tracks. There, standing timidly near the deck was a small deer. It’s ears pricked up at the sharp crack when she accidentally trod on a brittle branch. Turning it’s head, it looked directly at her before darting away into the nearby copse of trees. 

It was early evening and the sun was just beginning its slow descent, casting long elegant shadows across the glass like surface of the lake. It was exactly the type of evening that Jack loved. She looked towards the back door, half expecting to see him, arms laden with warm blankets for them to snuggle under as they settled on the dock ready to watch the sunset.

Her head dropped and Sam wrapped her arms around herself as the chill air began to seep through her jacket. 

Sam loved the cabin. She would never forget the first time that they came here just the two of them. They’d visited with the team of course but it was the special times alone that meant the most to her. It was those memories that she now cherished and clung onto like her life depended on it. Maybe it did. 

It had been several months since she’d been here and the place felt cold and a little damp. Her first job would be to set the fire. The log store was fully stocked, she recalled. The last time they were here, Jack had spent a whole morning chopping up wood. He’d said that they needed to be prepared for the next time they came. He knew it would be cold since the length of her mission meant she’d be gone until the winter. She’d laughed at him for doing it when the weather was so warm but hadn’t complained when he’d stripped off his t-shirt. She merely took advantage of the view as the muscles of his back and arms rippled with every wield of the axe.

The sharp sting of sleet on the delicate skin of her cheeks served to remind her that summer was long gone. Gathering up enough logs to keep the fire burning for the evening, Sam brought them inside and built the fire. 

Satisfied that the logs were burning well , she picked up her bag and headed slowly down the corridor. Walking into their bedroom, Sam threw down the rucksack. She glanced around the immaculately tidy room. Perching on the edge of the bed, Sam let her fingers ghost across the surface of the mattress. Anger bubbled in her chest, like a boiling pan of water on the wood stove, at the fact that he was so damn meticulous. There was no trace of him left. Nothing tangible. Nothing. 

After every visit he would insist that they strip down the sheets ready for fresh ones on their next trip. It was ironic really. In her lab everything would have to be in its place and when he would come see her and mess with all her doohickeys, she’d pretend to be annoyed with him until he flashed her one of his goofy grins. At home though, in their space, she was the messy one, not that it ever seemed to bother him.  
Sam reached for the pillow and pulled it to her chest. She raised it slightly and buried her nose in the soft fabric. There was the barest hint of him but it was enough and she squeezed her eyes closed tightly as tears threatened to cascade down her cheeks. 

The last morning before they’d returned to Colorado Springs he’d wrapped his arms around her possessively. She’d woken in their bed to the sensation of his hot breath on the back of her neck as he’d buried his nose in her hair and trailed languid kisses along her shoulder. She’d known that he was concerned about the mission that she was going on the following day, even though he’d been the one to recommend her for the command. Their love making had been desperate and frantic, as if they’d somehow known that it would be their last time and then they’d eaten breakfast in silence before packing up their things and leaving the cabin as spotless as they’d found it.

The noise of rain pelting relentlessly against the window regained Sam’s attention and she gently placed the pillow back on Jack’s side, giving it one final delicate pat.

When Sam returned to the snug, the fire was crackling brightly in the hearth and the dampness had been replaced by warmth and the rustic smell of burning cedar. 

She hadn’t eaten since early that morning but she had little appetite now. Settling herself in front of the fire she pulled her knees up close to her and draped the travel blanket that they kept on the sofa, across her legs. The flames dipped and danced, every now and again sending shooting sparks high up into the chimney. By her side Sam glanced at the photograph that Jack always kept on the table. She picked up the frame and rested it on top of her knees just in front of her face. Her thumb hovered over the image of Jack, kneeling beside his son.

They’d obviously just been playing baseball and they looked so happy together. After Sam and Jack had become an official couple, Jack had told her everything about Charlie. She soon came to realise that Charlie had been Jack’s entire world and if there had been any way in which he could have changed the outcome of that fateful day, then he would have taken it. Jack’s love for her was never in question but she knew that if he’d had a choice between having her or having Charlie back, there would only ever have been one outcome. She loved his honesty and the way he always wore his heart on his sleeve. 

Jack and Sam had spent many hours at the cabin talking about having children of their own and she knew that he would have made an amazing Dad, even though he constantly doubted himself. This trip would have been their time to make some life changing decisions in that respect.

Tears began to fall down her cheeks and Sam pulled the cuff of her shirt over her thumb and wiped her eyes roughly. She put the photograph back down with a loud clunk.

They’d never have that conversation now. Never be able to decide that now was the right time to become a family. Sam gripped her legs tightly and buried her head in her knees as she began to rock gently, trying in some small way to soothe the pain. But the pain was never going to go away. It wasn’t just a physical pain, it was deep seated in every fibre of her being. Ever since she’d picked up the phone just short of three weeks ago, the pain had gradually gnawed away at her very essence.

She’d been coming home to him after her 5 month stint away when she got the phone call. 

Not that death was ever glamorous or even heroic but this wasn’t the way that she ever thought she’d lose him. Jack had cheated death more times than she cared to remember. Hell he’d actually died more times than was humanly possible. So, it never even crossed her mind that he’d leave her like this. He’d been struck by a car that had mounted the sidewalk. It appeared that he’d tried to push one of his Pentagon colleagues out of the way of the oncoming vehicle and in the process he’d taken the full force of the impact. He never stood a chance she’d been told and he hadn’t suffered. She wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be some kind of consolation. If it was, it fell far short of the mark.

Sam woke in the early hours, chilled to the bone, with a stiff neck and aching back. She hadn’t made it to the bedroom, although she probably wouldn’t have even tried to. The thought of sleeping in their bed without him was heartbreaking. 

She’d freshened up quickly after raking over the ashes in the hearth. She probably should’ve cleared it out, Jack would’ve but he wasn’t here and she just wanted to get away as soon as she could. She had the answers she needed. She didn’t need to stay a moment longer. 

Closing the cabin door, Sam took one final look behind her. Her visit had served its purpose and her decision was made. The memories that Sam had of Jack were like the most precious of treasures but the reality of the crippling loss that she would have to endure every single day for the rest of her life was too much to bear. Memories would never be enough for her. Everyone she truly loved was gone and now she understood exactly how Jack had felt when he’d lost Charlie and why he’d agreed to the Abydos mission even though he thought he would never be coming back. 

Sam threw her bag in the trunk and slumped down heavily in the drivers seat. She had never felt so tired in her entire life. Taking out her cell phone she paused momentarily before lifting it to her ear. 

“Sir, I’ll do it,” she sighed heavily. “Yes Sir, I know I won’t be coming back.”


End file.
